The end is the beginning…

Our relationship started on 25 July 2004 and ended on 17 April 2008. Three years, eight months and twenty-three days. From the first time I met him, long before we actually got together, I knew he was “the one”, that I’d never make a better match. But things change, people change, and on Thursday this dream came finally to an abrupt end.

So here I am, feeling lost, disappointed, disorientated and empty, trying to make sense of the memories, the reasons and why it didn’t work, thinking of the good times and the bad, and about the many things that will be different from now on; I’m finding that the realization of small details can throw me off balance just as much as the obvious big issues.

What next? Well, there’s a lot of grieving still to be done, but one thing I have learned over these last few years is that I do have much more control over my happiness than I’d previously thought, and merely sitting around feeling miserable all the time is tantamount to surrendering this control. I want to use this blog to document progress, to celebrate the positive changes I make in my life over the next few months. I imagine there’ll be some “woe is me” moments as well, but I want them to be as cathartic as possible.

Sifting through the “debris” left after the breakup, I find myself – surprisingly, sometimes – coming back again and again to the positive things that entered my life through the relationship and which will remain even though the relationship has ended. A rather motley collection of examples: photography and the special friendships and new interests it has brought with it, feeling as comfortable in German as in English, greater awareness of the possibilities offered by the technical world, and ending up a much more self-confident and sociable person after battling depression and willing myself to change for the better. No one else can take these things away from me; it’s my responsibility to nurture them further.

I still need a new start, as there are obviously things which have been lost and which can’t simply be left as a gaping abyss, but I think I have good foundations on which to build, AND a wonderful network of friends and family to help me when the going isn’t so easy…

Rose in the mire


Filed under Up close and personal

6 responses to “The end is the beginning…

  1. aj

    It’s still my belief that we only meet a few of the people we could potentially be happy with, and stop meeting any once we’re in a relationship because we stop looking for them. So maybe you won’t find someone who will be “a better match” for you, but someone who will make you happy on a different level. We all change, and what you’ve needed these past few years might not be what you’ll need next year, or the year after next… I know I never knew what I needed or wanted and would surely still look for the wrong kind of person if the right kind of person hadn’t approached me. I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t stop looking – I know you can and will again make someone a very happy person.

  2. hey Sister D,
    glad to see you’re getting some thoughts out there, it’s a great way to get some perspective and put some distance between you and the past. Wishing all the best and hope to see ya soon!

  3. Lee

    Rebecca, I’m a big believer in the healing power of thoughtful journaling. May this do you much good and wish you all good things always. Much enjoyed reading it!

  4. Hello Rebecca,

    what a sad reason to start a blog. But maybe a great way of dealing with things.

    You tagged your first entry with “sad” yourself, but there are also the tags “breakup”, “change”, “happiness”. And although that’s just their alphabetical order, that’s what I wish for you: out of the breakup, a change to new happiness.

    I’m looking forward to read about the rays of sunshine you’ll discover.

    Take care,

  5. As I said before, you’re a lovely person, creative and intelligent, easy to get on with, and you deserve the best.

    I’m a believer in things always coming right in the end. I’m sure they will for you.

    So, keep smiling, get out and [continue] to enjoy life, your moment will come!

  6. I don’t believe that there is only one person out there for everyone. I do understand how it feels when you find one of them, though, and I’m really sorry to hear that it hasn’t worked out in this case. The others have said it all so well already but I’d like to agree with each and every one of them. I didn’t know you’d suffered with depression in the past. I’ve had a bout of that myself but your attitude now seems extremely open and as positive as can be expected. I hope you can keep that up – it’ll help relieve some of the burden. I hope some of us can help relieve it a little too.

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