Storm clouds

Hurt has turned to anger. I’d been waiting for this, feeling slightly surprised by the remarkably benevolent thoughts I was having at the end of last week.

I also feel less in control and am finding myself wishing constantly that someone would come along with “the answer”. This line of thought is remarkably useless but is occupying me an awful lot.

I’ve been so torn between different feelings the last few days. A big part of me constantly wants to scream and yell at him for leaving me in the first place, and for seeming (deliberate italics) so thoughtless towards me at the moment. The only indirect signs of life I receive are excruciatingly upbeat, and it’s easy to think these are intended to hurt or slight me. At the same time, I’m only seeing into his “public” life right now, and there’s no way I can know what’s going on inside his head or behind closed doors. One friend asked me yesterday why I don’t just cut all online contact with him, so that I’m not subjected to the pain of the upbeatness of his status updates and don’t have to listen to sweeping statements about “tons of good stuff happening in 2008”. She has a point, perhaps, but the thought of doing that and having no idea what he’s up to makes me feel even emptier – it’s such a vicious circle, and I’m really feeling the claustrophobia of being trapped inside it.

Another possible option is to contact him and tell him exactly how I feel. A smaller, more tentative part of me thinks that would be the best option right now. My anger and hurt could be directed more towards their cause, rather than simply radiating off me, making me feel sick and not too pleasant for others to be around. And yet I in my infinite fairness (ha!) don’t want to find myself saying things that are unjustified; I don’t want it to be a tit-for-tat “You hurt me, so guess what…?” kind of situation. And I don’t want to risk either losing my dignity or burning my bridges. Not that I yet know what those bridges are connecting or how strong they are in any case.

Anyone have any useful thoughts on this? I’m feeling worn out from the constant ping-pong of these conflicting issues in my head and could really use some input from outside.

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5 Comments

Filed under Up close and personal

5 responses to “Storm clouds

  1. aj

    I’m in favor of cutting all online contact with him. It’s not easy to do (I’ve done it before, I know how it originally feels), but don’t you thinks it’s better to feel a bit empty once and then get better than the constant blows of hurt when you see his status updates?

    I don’t think you should call him. It’s over and you have to let him go eventually. Start now. What could he possibly say that would make you feel better? Try to let yourself feel the anger, it’s a normal reaction to what has happened and it, too, will go away in the end. Until then you have every right to be angry.

    I don’t know what to say or do to make you feel better. Part of me thinks I should let it and you go, because there’s nothing I can do (and no one but yourself can give you the answer you’re looking for), part of me thinks I should kick his ass real hard for doing that to you in the first place. See, I’m angry, too. Let’s be angry together 😉

  2. What aj said. Cut every possible form of “seeing” what he’s up to. I left my former boyfriend 5 years ago and am still puzzled if I stumble over things he writes in the community we both are a part of. I don’t think that these feelings of being hurt and being angry will go away very soon, so I guess it is better for you to leave things as they are at the moment and concentrate on the future. I tried to be friends with my ex several times, but hurt feelings on both sides always got in the way. So just leave it as it is… nothing he can say will let you feel whole again. Only you can.
    *hug* See you later. :o)

  3. I think the process you’re going through and the way you feel are exactly normal. And given how angry you must be feeling, the way you’re considering things from all angles and tossing ideas around is remarkably clear headed. I can’t give any answers but from where I stand I think your feelings right now are exactly what I’d expect. Anger is a normal part of mourning.

  4. what they said.

    dropping contact in general is a good idea. He doesn’t deserve to influence you right now, even if it’s passive.

  5. Kelly

    I can understand wanting to avoid any sort of online contact. That being said, we’d all be sad if you left Twitter totally. Ignore him, not us?)

    I know it’ll sound cliche, but time will heal some of the wounds.

    As for advice on dealing with the anger & hurt?
    My suggestion is to hand write a hateful angry emotional letter. Keep for a week, and then decide if you want to mail it.

    I think sometimes it’s helpful just to get the feelings out of your head and onto something tangible (like a piece of paper).

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