The week back home did me a lot of good. Company, sympathy, support, a change of scene, eating properly and finally managing to get a bit more sleep were all so important and much needed. And I had a few VERY much better days at the end and when I got back.
I’m now slipping back into the bad habit of not being good to myself. Feeling guilty and undeserving, and simply not treating myself with the kindness and attention I would give to someone else in the same situation. I know so well that this is something I have simply got to change, but it’s such an ingrained thing that during these darker times I just don’t know where to start and don’t believe in my own capacity for change.
But something has to change. I can’t go on relying solely on other people to pick me up everytime I fall down. I so want to feel in control of my happiness and that I can do something positive just for me and not to impress or gain the affection of someone else. I wish for the clarity of vision to recognize what can make me happy, and for the courage to go out and get it.
I’m reading Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood, which a couple of friends recommended to me. I’m only 45 pages in so far, but I’m already feeling as if it were a book that was written about me. It’s painful at times, but the way in which it looks at situations and character traits from a more objective viewpoint while detailing the subjective thought processes that go on within some women’s minds is deeply insightful and a lot less exhausting than constant brooding self-analysis.
I’m hoping this book will give me a few pointers as to how I can be nicer to myself, and where to start. Facepacks, chocolate and soppy DVDs are all very well, but I need to delve a lot deeper.