It’s been a stressful few weeks of juggling all sorts of commitments on different levels, disrupted schedules, travel, a hectic social life, opportunities and disappointments, “what ifs” and “what nows”. The long and the short of it is that the uncertainty is over for the time being and I know that the status quo will remain the same for the next few months at least.
Despite the disappointment of not getting picked for this or that, I actually felt a lot of relief initially at not having to face huge logistical shifts of one sort and another in the next few months, within a timeframe that would have been too tight for my actual needs. Now, though, I feel as though the stress I managed to keep in check over the last few weeks is bubbling up to the surface in an unpleasant way and making me feel panicky and vulnerable.
In an attempt to put all of this into perspective, I think I need to remind myself (again!) that the sky is not falling on my head. This is for my benefit and might not be of much interest to others, but hey ho, what’s a blog for if not for self-indulgent introspection? :) (I’m sure I’ve said that here before, so sorry if I repeat myself in the following…)
I’ve had all these folks rooting for me over the last few months (and continuing to do so): family, partner, friends, colleagues, even casual acquaintances – people have put things my way, shared the highs and lows of their own experiences, offered advice and contacts, been a shoulder to cry on, a pillar of strength and a wellspring of optimism. Thank you all so much!
Also, the status quo is on balance positive. Yes, of course there are significant geographical inconveniences in one important area, BUT I am not on the edge of a cliff like the numerous people I know who have lost their jobs, been worried about their contracts coming to an end, have to work in a place they hate and where they have few friends, who have experienced situations that have made their work lives unbearable, who are unable to work due to illness or disability, who can barely manage on the money they have available, or who simply hate their job but have no other options. There’s an awful lot in there that I have to be thankful I’m not facing, and an awful lot of people I know out there who need support more.
And then there’s the other person whose life is equally affected by all this. He’s been utterly unselfish about it all and has been behind me all the way, pushing me where necessary when I was being inert, inept or childish, picking me up when things went wrong, listening to my rants, calming me down, building me up, making sure I had what I needed (be it bacon sandwiches, a hug or a good night’s sleep) and saying silly things to make me laugh when seriousness, a bad mood or gloom threatened to consume me.
He’s one in a million, and I can fight on with someone like that behind me :)
If I can just calm down a bit, everything will be fine.