Our relationship started on 25 July 2004 and ended on 17 April 2008. Three years, eight months and twenty-three days. From the first time I met him, long before we actually got together, I knew he was “the one”, that I’d never make a better match. But things change, people change, and on Thursday this dream came finally to an abrupt end.
So here I am, feeling lost, disappointed, disorientated and empty, trying to make sense of the memories, the reasons and why it didn’t work, thinking of the good times and the bad, and about the many things that will be different from now on; I’m finding that the realization of small details can throw me off balance just as much as the obvious big issues.
What next? Well, there’s a lot of grieving still to be done, but one thing I have learned over these last few years is that I do have much more control over my happiness than I’d previously thought, and merely sitting around feeling miserable all the time is tantamount to surrendering this control. I want to use this blog to document progress, to celebrate the positive changes I make in my life over the next few months. I imagine there’ll be some “woe is me” moments as well, but I want them to be as cathartic as possible.
Sifting through the “debris” left after the breakup, I find myself – surprisingly, sometimes – coming back again and again to the positive things that entered my life through the relationship and which will remain even though the relationship has ended. A rather motley collection of examples: photography and the special friendships and new interests it has brought with it, feeling as comfortable in German as in English, greater awareness of the possibilities offered by the technical world, and ending up a much more self-confident and sociable person after battling depression and willing myself to change for the better. No one else can take these things away from me; it’s my responsibility to nurture them further.
I still need a new start, as there are obviously things which have been lost and which can’t simply be left as a gaping abyss, but I think I have good foundations on which to build, AND a wonderful network of friends and family to help me when the going isn’t so easy…