Tag Archives: decision

A Sunny Day

Well, today the sun shone in more ways than one, and I feel relieved and grateful.

I started the day badly, feeling even more tearful than I had on Saturday last weekend. I decided I must take advantage of the lovely weather and went out into town. This first trip was aborted fairly quickly, as I found it really difficult to cope with the fact that although it was Saturday, and sunny, there was a huge discrepancy between this feeling and the feeling I’d have had if I’d been out and about with him on such a day. I started to feel incredibly alone, seeing (as it seemed) everyone else playing happy couples or happy families, and felt that everyone could sense my sadness, which made me tear up again, so I headed back home.

It was clear, though, that allowing myself to be defeated in this way was just plain stupid, and since I desperately needed a haircut, I shortly set out again, this time admitting I felt crappy, but I was on a clear mission. Wondered whether to get a totally different cut, but settled in the end for the usual style, not wanting to make a rash decision in a vulnerable moment.

A little later I met some friends for lunch. So as to take advantage of the weather, we went to a pizza place that has a wonderful inner courtyard, with high ivy-encrusted walls, lots of sun and a big patch of blue sky at the top, so that you feel that you actually could be somewhere in Italy. They’d been following my blog postings, so we talked once again about the things I wrote in my last post, went into a bit more detail about my grievances, and I told them about the decision I’d made based on the advice friends had given.

Although I felt clueless when I wrote that post, it was clear when people’s different viewpoints started coming in – some as blog comments, others as private e-mails or phone calls – that there was some advice that really felt totally right, and some that I just didn’t feel it was the right thing to follow just at the moment. Don’t get me wrong – I hugely appreciated everyone’s thoughts and want to thank everyone who gave their insights and advice, but there was one friend who said something that struck an immediate chord. He said that one option was to “tough it out” with the contact thing, a kind of exposure therapy rather than the option of cutting contact. I quickly drew the conclusion that – and I’m sorry to repeat this again to those who’ve already heard this, but I was quite impressed by my metaphor… – sealing yourself off in a germ-free environment isn’t going to strengthen your immune system. Obviously the exposure approach won’t work if I continue to allow myself to be upset by everything that comes from that one source, but having thankfully received assurance from said source that none of it was / is meant to hurt me, I’m going to give it a try, anyway. And my mind has been a lot more at rest since making that decision.

Anyway, back to today. I explained my decision to my friends, one of whom had given me the opposite advice, and they saw the sense in what I was saying. After lunch we sauntered round town a bit, going into the cathedral and observing the market stall-holders packing up after the day. My friend even retrieved a stray rose head from the ground, one very like the one in the picture I posted in my first blog entry.

Afterwards I went to buy a new phone: retail therapy this time. My phone / answering machine setup hasn’t been working as I wanted it to since I got an internet connection at home, despite valiant attempts by the ex to set it up differently, and so I’d constantly been missing calls because the answering machine had cut in and couldn’t be overridden. I now in fact have a system with a phone downstairs and one upstairs, which will be a great improvement and will hopefully prevent me from breaking my neck haring downstairs every time the phone rings.

Later on I met up with another friend for a drink. Again, we sat outside and watched the world go by, compared notes on relationship or breakup woes, and rolled our eyes at the numerous members of the Freiburg jet-set who seemed to make up a lot of the clientele. Afterwards we went for a very aimless but totally relaxing walk, talking about plans for the future and options for the present.

I could have met my friends again tonight, but home was calling, I wanted some time for reflection, and I knew I actually wanted to do a few domestic chores before the day was out. So the washing machine is doing its best, I’ve put my shopping away, and I’m hoping the day will come to a relaxing close.

It’s a relief and a pleasure to have been able to record some positive things today. Let’s see what tomorrow brings…

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Filed under Up close and personal

Storm clouds

Hurt has turned to anger. I’d been waiting for this, feeling slightly surprised by the remarkably benevolent thoughts I was having at the end of last week.

I also feel less in control and am finding myself wishing constantly that someone would come along with “the answer”. This line of thought is remarkably useless but is occupying me an awful lot.

I’ve been so torn between different feelings the last few days. A big part of me constantly wants to scream and yell at him for leaving me in the first place, and for seeming (deliberate italics) so thoughtless towards me at the moment. The only indirect signs of life I receive are excruciatingly upbeat, and it’s easy to think these are intended to hurt or slight me. At the same time, I’m only seeing into his “public” life right now, and there’s no way I can know what’s going on inside his head or behind closed doors. One friend asked me yesterday why I don’t just cut all online contact with him, so that I’m not subjected to the pain of the upbeatness of his status updates and don’t have to listen to sweeping statements about “tons of good stuff happening in 2008”. She has a point, perhaps, but the thought of doing that and having no idea what he’s up to makes me feel even emptier – it’s such a vicious circle, and I’m really feeling the claustrophobia of being trapped inside it.

Another possible option is to contact him and tell him exactly how I feel. A smaller, more tentative part of me thinks that would be the best option right now. My anger and hurt could be directed more towards their cause, rather than simply radiating off me, making me feel sick and not too pleasant for others to be around. And yet I in my infinite fairness (ha!) don’t want to find myself saying things that are unjustified; I don’t want it to be a tit-for-tat “You hurt me, so guess what…?” kind of situation. And I don’t want to risk either losing my dignity or burning my bridges. Not that I yet know what those bridges are connecting or how strong they are in any case.

Anyone have any useful thoughts on this? I’m feeling worn out from the constant ping-pong of these conflicting issues in my head and could really use some input from outside.

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Filed under Up close and personal