Hurt has turned to anger. I’d been waiting for this, feeling slightly surprised by the remarkably benevolent thoughts I was having at the end of last week.
I also feel less in control and am finding myself wishing constantly that someone would come along with “the answer”. This line of thought is remarkably useless but is occupying me an awful lot.
I’ve been so torn between different feelings the last few days. A big part of me constantly wants to scream and yell at him for leaving me in the first place, and for seeming (deliberate italics) so thoughtless towards me at the moment. The only indirect signs of life I receive are excruciatingly upbeat, and it’s easy to think these are intended to hurt or slight me. At the same time, I’m only seeing into his “public” life right now, and there’s no way I can know what’s going on inside his head or behind closed doors. One friend asked me yesterday why I don’t just cut all online contact with him, so that I’m not subjected to the pain of the upbeatness of his status updates and don’t have to listen to sweeping statements about “tons of good stuff happening in 2008”. She has a point, perhaps, but the thought of doing that and having no idea what he’s up to makes me feel even emptier – it’s such a vicious circle, and I’m really feeling the claustrophobia of being trapped inside it.
Another possible option is to contact him and tell him exactly how I feel. A smaller, more tentative part of me thinks that would be the best option right now. My anger and hurt could be directed more towards their cause, rather than simply radiating off me, making me feel sick and not too pleasant for others to be around. And yet I in my infinite fairness (ha!) don’t want to find myself saying things that are unjustified; I don’t want it to be a tit-for-tat “You hurt me, so guess what…?” kind of situation. And I don’t want to risk either losing my dignity or burning my bridges. Not that I yet know what those bridges are connecting or how strong they are in any case.
Anyone have any useful thoughts on this? I’m feeling worn out from the constant ping-pong of these conflicting issues in my head and could really use some input from outside.